I was about 10 when my grandmother Millie came to visit. My family had moved from New York to North Dakota, back when the perception of covered wagons persisted. Millie announced to friends, “I’m going out west.” Clearly, the country had only two geographies divided by an imaginary North/South line. Millie was a feisty Irish woman, an entrepreneur, a fantastic cook and tough. Even the dust bunnies feared her. They never accumulated in Millie’s house.
My mother, on the other hand, the bunnies reproduced en masse. She was untidy, attracted to stacks and countertop clutter. A plopper, things stayed where they landed. For her, venturing into the kitchen was as familiar as a cruise on the Nile. I was untutored in the ways of domesticity, and Millie was determined I would not be a failure at home or out in life. Her first lesson: the proper wielding of a chef’s knife and cleaning instructions.
“Always keep the sharp blade edge pointed away from you. Gently glide the washcloth up the spine,” she coached. “Never, ever have the sharp side anywhere near you.”
I’ve shared this lesson with countless people as a metaphor for equally dangerous things in life. Like gossips at work.
In every office, there’s an undercurrent of whispers, rumors, and hushed conversations that flow through cubicles and meeting rooms. Gossip, it seems, is an ever-present companion of the workplace. It’s like a secret society, infiltrating the most private confidences and fueling conjecture and speculation. Pervasive and often toxic, it’s as harmful as it is inevitable. I’ve seen it erode trust, damage reputations, get people fired and create a toxic work environment.
Sharp and in-the-know on forbidden subjects, an office gossip cuts into the underbelly of a company's culture and feeds on its entrails. Those who hold title of an office gossip are surprisingly warm, the Welcome Wagon to newcomers, oftentimes being the individual who orients them to the real stories and skeletons. They are alluring and hard to resist. We feel like we skipped hazing and made it into the sorority/fraternity. As the first town hall or company meeting, they sidle up and tantalizing with a whispered amuse-bouche – “Over there, that’s the 'lunch lush'. He’s been talked to about it, but he's genius and drinking is a disease so he gets a hall pass. Not me, ha!” or “Stay away from that manager. They take all the credit for your work. Every person that's reported to him/her gets overlooked for promotion."
The irony is that gossip is incredibly appealing to most people. It taps into our insecurities, our need to know we are not alone, others suffer too. It nourishes our need to feel included.
If feels like you have an instant friend and you already have a sense of who and what to avoid. Is gossip really that terrible? Is there any value to gossip?
First Gossip is a social glue. It binds coworkers together; it’s shared experiences that create a sense of belonging. This is a desperate and very real part of why people gossip, to belong to a club, a team, be one of. Of course you want to feel connected to your company and your peers, but there are more productive ways that aren't at the expense of others, exclusionary or divisive.
Second Gossip is information gathering. This is actually one of the more tenuous aspects of office life. Is information helpful yes. Is information destructive. Yes. It's understanding the message and the messenger. What is to be gained by sharing this insight. People gossip to acquire information, they swap one piece for another, like trading cards. Gossipy coworkers see themselves as the unofficial “informant,” collecting tidbits to wield as currency to protect their interests or elevate their status when they leverage their secrets.
Third Gossip is an ego boost. Gossip can be self-validating. When people share juicy morsels, it often enhances their self-esteem. They feel important, privileged, particularly if they have an exclusive story.
So, what can I do about it? Show empathy, kindness and keep yourself from being the next topic of conversation. Here's how:
Listen, nod, smile – always smile. Be friendly in return. Yet vow this: you will never, ever entrust the office gossips with any piece of damaging information to another, and ultimately yourself. Avoid making any remark, comment, judgment that you wouldn't say directly to a co-worker or your boss. If you share some piece of gossip yourself, know that it could likely boomerang by way of the office gossip; your reputation may be sliced, chopped up and served as an appetizer for the gossip’s gain. So, unless you're willing to own it, try, try, try to avoid voicing it at the office.
When I was in leadership, I had a fun, bright, go-getter named Laurel*. It quickly became obvious to me she forged relationships based on insider trading, swapping secrets at lunch where she feasted on bad news, rumors, snippets overheard in the hallway, and the flat-out suffering of others. Many times she’d make a social suggestion, saying blatently, “Let’s go for drinks after work and gossip.” She sounds Machiavellian, but, in my experience, Laurel didn’t have much self-awareness or self-confidence. This was her method of connecting, building currency for insider trading and belonging. What did I do? I went for drinks. And maybe you should too.
On the occasion, your friendly office gossip is thirsting for attention, you have two options:
1) Don’t go. Feign a headache or declare your cat has been vomiting for two days. Gossips gravitate to suffering, so an excuse that elicits woe is considered a viable pass on drinks. Try to be as close to the truth as possible. You’ll be asked about it the next day; or
2) Go. Accept the invitation, but set the expectation that you’d love nothing more than hanging out for a bit, but because your college friend or cousin is swinging by your place to retrieve their car keys, it's a bummer you can't stay long.
At the bar, consume only one cocktail, glass of wine or beer. Drink slowly if you must. Feel free to order a second drink, but do not finish it. Two leads to three, and three gets messy. Make your polite excuses, then offer to pick up the tab for the two of you. It could be an expensive gesture, but it’s an investment in building relationships.
The team gossip will offer up a yummy appetizer first, “Did you hear about Tim being put on probation. I guess he made some offensive sexual remarks. I just can't believe this still happens."
Despite how the harbinger of traumatic or shocking news, stay non-committal. Then intermittently respond with benign, neutral interjections, “Oh really,” “Interesting,” “I see,” “Wonder why,” or “I had no idea." Be authentic and engaged but hold back judgment.
When the gossip finishes their tale and there’s a pause, they expect you to join in, to to judge, to contribute. You will need to speak, but be Switzerland. Do not offer up any reflections, thoughts or input into what you just heard. Do not offer any deliciously controversial add-on you may know. Be the Fort Knox of office secrets, and don’t repeat what you heard at a future happy hour to anyone at the office. You’ll thank me when you get promoted.
If you don’t feed the gossip something to nibble on, they will feel slighted, rejected. What do you do?
After they overshare office news, take a break. Mention you need to go to the restroom or make a quick call. Leave for 5 minutes. When you return, reset the conversation. Turn it away from the office and bring up something you just saw on social media. Or talk about how you rescued your pup, segue into your excitement about an upcoming concert. Move the conversation in the personal realm, lifestyle, interests, activities, travel, family, your composting project, or how you’re eliminating plastics.
Then, find a small personal crisis, something plaguing you, making you suffer mildly. Ask for advice on anything, from how to get your neighbor’s dog to quit defecating on your lawn to how to handle an argument with your mother. Better yet, how to ask your ex for the money they owe you without them thinking it’s your ploy to entice them back. In my experience, drama is a magnet for gossips. They’ll inject energy into helping you solve your crisis, offering advice and support. Please make this topic legit. The next time you’re together, the gossip will ask for an update on the situation and if they helped resolve it. Keep your shared suffering story close to the truth, but know you’ll be sacrificing your privacy to whispers in the hallway. So, choose wisely.
I’ve been a leader. I’ve been an employee. I’ve seen this work. It may sound manipulative. It’s not. You’re learning to navigate and manage a situation that could impact your job, and you are working to be compassionate without taking down the company and yourself in the process.
Only one time did I make the grave mistake of confiding in a trusted colleague. Both James* and I had a new boss. Imagine the puffy, bloated egocentric stereotype, swilling martinis and making passes at women. Yep, that was Terrance*. I whispered some quiet remarks to my peer, and James agreed that the boss was unqualified for this position. Within a few months, I was let go. Somehow, somewhere my remarks got to Terrance. I’ve no shame in what I said. I did speak the truth And I don’t fault my colleague. Like my husband says, "Everyone has someone to tell." I did and it was my own stupidity. I broke my own rule, even with a trusted co-worker. One key takeaway, in times of corporate change – new boss, new direction, new company rules, new clients, new-new-new, withhold judgment until the dust settles. These are remarks you express only to those in your very inner circle, people out of the sphere of the office or your therapist. Or you don’t say them at all. By the way, Terrance was let go few years later. Karma.
A gossipy person craves acceptance and belonging, to feel important and boost their self-esteem. Empathy and kindness go a long way toward improving their behavior and emotional wellbeing as well as the culture of your team. Whenever you feel pressured to participate in the underbelly of gossip, take a breath and step back. I visualize my grandma Millie’s lesson on being mindful for things that can cut you badly. Always keep the sharp blade pointed away from you.
*The names Laurel, James and Terrance are fictitious; the situations are not.
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